So I got to thinking… is honesty in a relationship overrated? Should you really tell your spouse/significant other EVERYTHING? Aren’t some things best kept under covers – for their own good of course! What they don’t know won’t hurt them right? With mixed feelings on the matter – influenced by other peoples’ opinions – I decided to do some reading… here’s what I’ve got.
Well would they want to know every little thought that goes buzzing through your head? What you really think of their family, insignificant details about past relationships, how you sometimes want to bash their head in? Eh…! Sometimes we lie, or don’t share the whole truth to protect our loved ones’ feelings, spare them hurt, or avoid an argument – and perhaps that’s ok. At least I think so, so long as you’re not lying about anything major – like the fact that you’re already married, have a child out of wedlock or have some health issues. These are things best shared!
Often time in an emotionally charged situation, or when one is fearful of their partner or partner’s reaction, it’s hard to draw the line about what should be shared and what it’s okay to forget to mention. Many experts say that one’s motivation can determine whether or not your fibbing is permissible. If you’re doing it for selfish reasons – it most likely isn’t; it’s wrong. “So, should we lie?” asks Michael D. Zentman, director of the Adelphi University Postgraduate Program in Marriage & Couple Therapy, adding “Perhaps the answer can be found in the question: Whom am I protecting by withholding the truth? If you are protecting yourself, it’s probably unwise to lie.” Sometimes also, we can end up having double-standards, for instance, I may want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but may be sceptical when it comes to coughing up the same (this is just a hypothetical statement and not to be held against me). Not getting the truth, or having an inkling that the other person is hiding something, no matter how inconsequential can lead to anxiety and curiosity tearing one up inside, and so knowing the truth is necessary for one to analyse and move forth with a relationship. After all, if you want the truth, you need to be able to deal with it – otherwise the other person will feel guilty for telling you the truth and making you feel sad and/or disappointed, which can cause them to lie in the future and if lying becomes a habit… pathological liars are no fun – especially in relationships!
In any relationship setting a foundation is key. This is something that needs to be done together, and a couple can discuss what the other can and cannot tolerate slash what they don’t want to know. It’s okay to say that your wife is looking super sexy after she comes home bedraggled from a rough day at the office or leave out the fact that your husband’s parents drive you nuts! Having said that it’s important to differentiate between white lies that boost the other’s self-confidence and/or keep the passion alive in a marriage/relationship and those that can be detrimental. Zenterman adds that if you’re lying to your partner to save yourself from a well-deserved confrontation, such as admitting to having had an affair, the lies will end up doing more harm than good even though they may be intended to ‘protect’ the relationship. Lying about the big stuff, such as affairs, money matters, secret bank accounts or debts that have been run-up, impulse purchases, can erode trust and cause what was once built carefully to fall apart faster than you can apologise! A lot of the times, when the truth hurts, it’s something you may need to hear in order to make a decision, for instance determining whether you want to stay in a relationship where you may have learnt that your spouse has doubts about his/her faithfulness to you.
What’s most important, at least in my opinion, is thoughtfulness and self-reflection as well as how much you value your relationship and trust your other half. Only you can determine what’s alright to hide, and what should be said out loud for the greater good. Your conscience will probably help. If you feel guilty lying about something it’s probably better to have it out in the open. At least then it can be discussed, and if there’s a problem it can be identified and solved. Though you may hurt the other person’s feelings, in the long run it may just be worth it. In any relationship, consider the feelings (and personality) of your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance and communicate your expectations regarding honesty and/or lying of any magnitude. If you really think that it’s okay to lie and to protect what’s yours, think of it this way, when you’re with someone, aren’t you both essentially one unit? Should it be about ‘you and me’ or should it be about an ‘us’? And if it’s the latter… isn’t what’s yours equally the other persons? The lines are beginning to blur. I think I’m going to have to do some more thinking on this… protect me with lies or hurt me with the truth… which will it be?
Paul Ekman, author of Telling Lies says, “Be trusting. It’s good for your health and relationship,” but not before adding, “To be suspicious is bad for your health and relationship.” – Food for thought?
Here’s some more tips to maintain a healthy relationship with the right amount of honesty!
Agree that honesty is a priority. As a couple, arrive at a decision regarding open and considerate communication. This will be an important step in establishing ground rules as far as honesty is concerned. After all, communication is key – as I’ve mentioned so many times before – in any relationship!
Talk about what you need, not what your partner needs to do. John Gottman, a well known psychologist and expert on marriage and relationships, recommends a ‘softened startup’. Example: I’m feeling overwhelmed lately. Would you help me identify some ways I can get some more support? When someone is approached ‘honestly’ about their shortcomings and lacks, it is understandable that they may get defensive and refuse your request or seek revenge later. This way the brunt of it is softened and comes off a little more considerately.
Identify topics that are off-limits. Even after you’ve decided to be honest, some topics are too difficult to tackle, especially if they’ve been problematic historically in your relationship. Setting some ground rules about what issues shouldn’t be talked about at first is probably a good idea. Once you’ve agreed to disagree on certain things, (religion, children, politics) or you are aware of topics that can cause agitation to the other party, it’s best to steer clear of them. If you MUST get it out of your system – try a journal, or talk to a friend who doesn’t blab!
When necessary, wave the white flag. Intense discussions are often difficult and exhausting. If you’re trying to be honest with each other, make sure you allow one another to “drop out” at some point for a cooling off period. Example: I want to resolve this with you but I need a few minutes to cool off. Can we take a ten-minute break? Remember, you’re tackling the truth to make you and your relationship stronger. Don’t let it lead to an argument which weakens you. Identify problems and solve them rationally.
Be mature. An honest conversation with a loved one can be undermined by name-calling, derisive remarks, or belittling contemptuous comments. Try to avoid that. Don’t yell. Talk it out. If it’s getting too much… wave the white flag!
Aim for progress, not perfection. Nobody is perfect. Honesty in a relationship requires trust, time and tolerance – and the recognition that you are not perfect either!
Phew! Relationships are SUCH HARD WORK!
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