18 | July | 2012 | sher's other blog...

So when you got together he swept you off your feet, bought you little gifts, wooed you like there was no tomorrow and fought to be with you with a fervour that turned you on? I bet you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and every next meeting seemed too far away! Now is your knight in shining armour looking, a little, well… tarnished? It’s not that hard to polish things up and have them looking and feeling brand spanking new again.

When you choose to be in a relationship the allure is the romance, the newness, the butterflies, the attention, the time you get to spend together, how much you look forward to it and how exciting and fun the times are when you’re finally in each other’s company. After a while, when life gets in the way and the relationship becomes just another thing that goes side by side with other responsibilities it sometimes becomes all labour and not enough love. You’re worried about the future, paying bills, getting day to day things done, keeping a stable job, supporting your lifestyle and such things and the relationship tends to take a back seat. In order to keep it from going completely stale to the point that you don’t recognise yourselves as a couple any more there are some interesting ways to keep the spark alive and keep the bond as strong and as FUN as it was when you started out!

A keen observation is that long-term partners will often “fall out of like” with each other as the relationship matures. Worry not…! There’s always a way to patch things up – as long as you’re willing to make an effort. According to Sue Pratt, a relationship expert, daily routines are what usually burst the bubble of a hunky dory relationship. No surprise there – the honeymoon period is over, and real life starts! This also happens when couples are maturing or growing at a different rate to each other, have separate lives’, experiences and/or social circles and happenings and are therefore not very involved in the others’ life. Fixing that is a no-brainer really… include each other in social activities, do things together rather than apart and share your lives.

Some people feel guilty taking time out from their family, work, responsibilities to get some time alone with their significant other! I would think you’d want to have a specific amount of what I call “us time” on a daily basis to touch base, bring the chemistry back towards what it was, and maybe fall in love all over again. We all know the “in love” often fades and becomes just love – a strong bond that holds you together, a care that means you’ll look out for each other and a need to be together – but the being “in love” is what really ignites that flame and keeps the passion soaring.

relationship got you feeling grrrrowly?

One of the things you can do is focus on the positive. This sounds weird at first but hear me out… as you read on it will make sense. Don’t think about how little time you get to spend with each other, instead focus on the time you have, use it wisely, make it count, think about what it does for you and how it can do more. Focus on the attributes of your spouse or partner that made you fall in love in the first place. What were those things you were attracted to and vice versa. Try and bring those out. Let go of what’s not working and mend it by building on what does. Did that make sense?

Go back to the basics, they’re always a good place to start; a solid foundation makes for a sturdy building. So you’ve been together longer than you remember, or it feels that way anyway… start dating again – each other of course! Make that effort. Dress up, go out, wine and dine. Forget about your responsibilities for an hour or two once a week and you’ll feel the newness coming back. Rekindle the romance, stay up all night and talk, walk away from the adult you’ve become and let yourself be children, most of all, the lesson here is HAVE FUN!

Did you know that the better you make someone else feel the better you feel in turn? And of course, what goes around comes around! So whether its whipping up his/her favourite meal, offering a back rub or foot massage after a hard day’s work, or doing his/her chores for the day, I’m sure your actions will be appreciated. I’m always harping on about how actions speak louder than words – because, well, they do! Show him a little effort and his happiness, in turn, will do wonders for both your ego and emotional wellbeing.

If the other person seems unhappy to you, and you claim to know everything about them, probe. What’s keeping them from being happy? Talk about it and remind them that together you can conquer the world, and do anything, and together you will fix this.

The faster you recognise and catch these problems the more likely it is that you will be able to salvage your relationship. Some people recognise that there’s something not quite right but don’t address it because they’re scared to open up a can of worms. Such people have got no one else to blame but themselves as they didn’t try hard enough and probably lost what they had left in a downward spiral where neither party even recognises each other. It’s a sad state of affairs when it comes to that (sometimes literally, as spouses go somewhere else looking for that intimacy or attention).

If you’re really committed to your relationship and want to be happy with your chosen person, making an effort is crucial. If they’re supportive they’re sure to understand that now that you’re all grown up it’s harder to find the kind of time you could get away with when you were younger but that doesn’t mean you take advantage of it. Do take time out – when you can (I’m not advocating skipping out of work, missing important meetings, or forgetting to pick the kids up from soccer) to show the other person that they’re still important to you and (somewhere) at the top of your lists of priorities. And make that time count!

If you feel like you constantly need time off from the relationship or other person – you’re probably not much use being in the relationship in the first place! This would require some time off and reflection about who you are and what you want. Remember that relationships are a reflection of who we are and nothing mirrors our personalities better than our interaction with other people. If you really want to make it work, take some time out and try these helpful tips:

Quality Time:

Spending what is called ‘quality time’ with each other doesn’t mean meeting up with a group of friends or having a bunch of people over for dinner. It means turning off the telly (and blackberries for the men who love to twiddle their thumbs!) making sure there are no distractions, and then talking and listening with/to the person you love. It’s often said that to test a relationship a couple should take a road trip together of eight to ten hours, if they’re still on good terms, and have something (good) to say to the other, theirs is one to bet on!

Discover:

Learn something new…together. This time spend together will create a certain level of comfort and an intimacy of sorts. Move out of your comfort zone as doing the same thing day in and out, though it may be routine, will lead to complacency. It’s so easy to get caught up in the way one is used to doing things that we stop investing in ourselves and most importantly our relationship. Whether you take a cooking class together or go to photography workshop, take a language, there’s always a way to sneak in a little romance. Give all of yourself to this new project and make the most of the togetherness.

Laugh:

Keep your sense of humour! Yes, even when it comes to an emotionally charged situation. This doesn’t just mean making light of a situation, and doing that sometimes may come off as you not being serious about a possible issue. Some disagreements are appropriate and emotions are a part of life. The secret to longevity in your relationship is being able to move through those challenging situations with levity. Don’t hold onto resentment and let those skeletons in the closet take over – be able to laugh at yourself and let things go. This is usually easier for men than women!

Talk to Each Other:

All too often partners may actually be afraid to talk to each other. They fear that they may in fact be hurting the other person’s feelings. Communication is key to any relationship and one mustn’t be afraid to tell the truth or afraid to hear the truth. This can only strengthen what the two of you have if you listen with an open mind and open heart, with the aim of becoming better as a couple. It’s so easy to talk to your spouse or significant other about anyone else but much harder to talk about yourselves. Take a deep breath, swallow your fears, and talk about what really counts. Tell each other how you really feel, what you’re experiencing, and how you can work to alleviate the situation. That’s the authentic “you,” and there’s no need to hide it from the other person. After all, they’re entitled to see that, and have chosen to be with you, inspite of you. I find that the fear of communicating is always far worse than the conversation itself. After a good heart to heart you’re sure to discover a new energy and closeness in your relationship.

Keep the Romance Alive:

There is no end to romance; there shouldn’t be anyway! It is an ongoing creative expression that lets the other person know that no matter what’s going on in they’re a big part of your life and you care. It shows them that they are appreciated, important and above all, desired. As a relationship matures, the romance tends to evolve as well – sometimes it just goes out the window. Recognise when this happens and try to bring it back in. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because something worked once it will have the same effect every time! Be creative. Try new things. While you may feel one thing is romantic, your partner may not feel quite the same way, so always start off with doing something the other person finds romantic before moving on to something a little different!

This is a great blogpost: http://untiligetmarried.com/2010/08/13/it-actually-is-possible-to-be-too-busy-for-a-relationship/

: i LOVE this bumper sticker!

So I don’t want to start any kind of debate here but I find it increasingly difficult to sit and listen to people go off on a tangent that is disrespectful to another point of view be it religious, cultural, sectarian, racist or even political. Sure tolerance means that we listen to what everyone has to say, but then other people need to be vigilant too, of what it is that’s coming out their mouths. Do they purposely say things to jab or hurt another party? Are they trying to get a reaction out of them? Will any good come of this? Why can’t they just agree to disagree?

Sure, sometimes, curiosity gets the better of me, and I like to read up on, or ask questions about beliefs that vary from my own. After all, what I believe too was taught to me. I wasn’t born with that point of view, but I was moulded to see things in that light. I’m open to the possibility that perhaps how I see the world is faulty, maybe another opinion makes more sense. However, for me to learn, I need to keep an open mind, and being defensive about other people saying things otherwise will only make me dogmatic and in a way, illiterate.

I pray to God to give me patience and tolerance so that I can hear everything without being infuriated and without letting it get to me. And I ask God to keep me strong so that I cannot be brainwashed or easily misguided. And most of all I pray to God to surround me with people who, though may challenge my opinions and beliefs, are respectful, and accepting of me as I am.

Life is short… let’s coexist in peace and harmony with each other, and learn along the way. Let’s laugh and sing and be happy. Let’s LIVE.